When we judge others as basically ‘wrong’, we perceive them through that mask of judgement, and seeing them through our judgements poisons the truth: the truth of who they are as a human being. We don’t see the full picture; we only see them in the light of our judgements.
Who am I to judge? We may ask ourselves this question, and yet judging is like a bad habit – a stuck record that goes round and round in our heads, contaminating our hearts, closing us down to love, acceptance and tolerance of each other.
Some years ago, a man I was in a relationship with taught me a lot about judgement. When I asked him once why he’d been so tolerant of my misbehaviour towards him, without blaming or getting angry with me, he simply said, “What would be the point? I could call you a bitch and get angry with you, but that wouldn’t help me or you would it?” And he left it at that. Sage words. Judgement takes away the joy you can experience when you’re together.
I’m not saying you have to like how people behave, or what they do. Of course not! And I’m not saying don’t address issues when they come up. But don’t waste your valuable time and energy in continuing to judge a person as wrong. Make the distinction between them, and their behaviour. Address the behaviour, but don’t condemn the person.
Looking back on that relationship, I noticed that when I judged him for not being what I thought he should be, I felt a churning in my stomach, a feeling of unease within myself and a disconnection from him and from my own heart.
When I didn’t judge him, I experienced joy in truly loving him and a peace and happiness in our connection. Once again, I laughed joyously at his jokes. Once again I respected him and what he stood for. Once again, I truly saw him as the special human being that he is, not through my judgements, just through my heart.
This man was a true friend to me and when I treated him badly through my warped perceptions, nobody won.
The choice is always yours….to be right, or to be happy.
TRY THIS:
Today, if you find yourself judging someone harshly, making them wrong, or getting impatient with them for not living up to your expectations, take a breath into your heart, and in this moment, choose to let it go. In its place, choose love instead. You don’t have to like or accept their behaviour, but practice loving and accepting them as an alternative and notice what changes in you and how you feel as you do this. Perhaps more importantly, notice the impact your new way of being has on the other person, and what happens to your relationship going forwards.
Your judgemental mind will certainly return, but just for a moment today, try something different and enjoy the results!
So valuable for me. Its easy to use judgement to make myself feel bigger and better, especially when I am feeling insecure, but all it does is make me seem sour and bitchy. Far kinder to appreciate that people are probably doing their best, even if its not great, and with encouragement and warmth they will grow in confidence to do better. Another lovely post, Sahera, perfect for a Friday morning.
Thank you Tess! Your comments sing 🙂 x
We need to be constantly reminded of this it seems. If anyone saw the fascinating Horizon programme this week – all about cognitive bias – they will see the link with your blog on ‘judgement’ today. We are so prone to making assumptions about all manner of things, when we think and believe that we are actually basing our views on a ‘truth’. It’s a bit worrying when you extend this tendency beyond the personal and into more of our current global conflicts perhaps?
You make a good point Lynne – I do believe if we change ourselves first, this can then have an impact on changing global conflicts. Thank you for your thoughtful comments, and I am glad the Blog is inspiring you x
How wise are Gandhi’s words…In truth the nature of pain is to alert us that something is in need of attention – whether that be our body, heart or mind. It is so easy to become complacent when surrounded by agreeable company and events but real growth only happens for me when my comfort zone is seriously disturbed – and how I respond is then a clear indication of the dis-ease within my own heart or mind. This reminds me of a caption displayed in a rest area by the side of a busy dual carriageway in India: “If an egg is broken by outside forces life ends. If broken by inner force life begins. Great things always begin from inside”.
It helps me – like yourself – to firstly give space before responding – and to remember that my greatest insights have most often been delivered in unflavourable wrappings – and the people who irritate, annoy or infuriate us the most can also gift us the greatest treasure = the wisdom of self effacement. If anything needs judging it is our own thoughts.
Dear Jan, I love your comment on this post, particularly when you say “if anything needs judging, it is our own thoughts”. Well said. Much love, Sahera