One day, whilst staying with my friends in Wales, about two months after Nigel’s death, I rang Brad, as I was in a real state about what I was going to do with the rest of my life.
To say the rug had been pulled from under my feet was an understatement. Before his suicide, we had been planning to buy a house in the country and start a family. In fact, the day he died, we’d received the exchange contracts on our property and the new property; everything was going ahead as planned. Until Nigel decided he wanted out. Literally.
With his death, not only did I lose my best friend and partner in life, but I also lost my chance then to have children. I was one week away from my 35th birthday, and when your husband commits suicide, you don’t exactly get over it quick enough to form a new, healthy relationship and go on to have kids. Well I didn’t!
Not only that, I had lost being in a partnership that to some extent defined me, and helped me form my identity.
So when I called Brad that cold January night, and expressed my fears about my life and my future, I just kept saying to him, “Brad, I just don’t know what to do; I just don’t know, I don’t know”.
His response helped me to calm down. He simply said, “Sahera, being in the don’t know is a sacred space to be”.
Since that night fourteen years ago, I have been learning that the space of ‘don’t know’ is in fact more comfortable than you’d think. In fact, ‘don’t know’ mind is the name for a method of meditation taught by the Korean Zen master Sahn Soen-Nim. He says not-knowing mind is a clear mind.
When I experience ‘don’t know’, I experience a freedom and calmness within myself – to let go of the need to know is actually quite liberating and less stressful than to hang on to needing to know. I have spent loads of money on psychics because I just had to know – was the guy I was dating ‘the one’; was the job I was applying for really right for me; was that trip I was planning to take a good or bad idea and on it goes. That space, of needing to know is symptomatic of needing to be in control. Why? Why do you think you have to be in control all the time? What are you afraid of if you let go of the need to know and just let things be? Life will do what it will do, whether you get in there and meddle or not!
You and I both know that in truth, we are not really in control of life – yes, we know what is right and wrong in terms of our behaviour towards ourselves and others. So of course we can control our own behaviours and actions. But the rest is a don’t know.
This brings to mind the parable of the farmer, who, one day, discovered his horse had wandered off into the forest. The neighbours said to him, “How unlucky to have your horse wander off.” His response was “Maybe it is; maybe it isn’t.” Two days later, the horse returned , bringing with him another horse he befriended in the wild. The neighbours said, “How lucky to have two horses.” The farmer’s response was, “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.” A few days later, the farmer’s son broke his leg trying to tame the new horse. Again the neighbours chimed in, “How unlucky it is that your son broke his leg.” And again the farmer responded, “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.” The following day, soldiers came to the farm to recruit the farmer’s son. Because of his broken leg, he couldn’t be recruited. Of course, the neighbours were amazed and said, “How lucky it is that your son wasn’t taken into the army.” And you already know the farmer’s response.
The wisdom of the ‘don’t know’ mind keeps us from feeling disappointed, when we tell ourselves we know how things, people and ourselves should be. It gives us a freedom to discover what, in fact, life wants for us, rather than us being in control the whole time, fighting what I suggest is a losing battle.
Let go and trust that just because you don’t know, doesn’t mean that Life doesn’t know. When you are unsure, breathe, and trust it’s all being handled, whether you know it or not.
Melisa Pearce
Debs
04 Apr 2014 10:16 amWow, that is great Sahera and hugely helpful. I am in a lot of “DONT KNOW” space and find it quite hard on some days, but it does sometimes feel like “LETTING GO OF THE CONTROL” at times.
Fab post. x
Sahera Chohan
04 Apr 2014 10:27 amDear Debs, I am glad this Post is helpful to you. Let Go and Let God love xxx
DIana
04 Apr 2014 10:20 amLovely Sahera – a great blog.
Sahera Chohan
04 Apr 2014 10:26 amThank you Diana, and thank you for your absolutely excellent editing in the early days!
Edwin Elder
04 Apr 2014 10:21 amThanks for the reminder Sahera. It’s so easy to fall into the “I must know…I need to know..” mentality and forget that when we do this we stop trusting Life. The reminder is very helpful!
Sahera Chohan
04 Apr 2014 10:25 amAnd thank you Edwin for reminding me – we do stop trusting Life when we need to know and that is what causes a lot of stress. Letting go is so much simpler, but not always easy!
Tess
04 Apr 2014 10:38 amYou have such courage, sharing your story and finding it within yourself to turn shock into serenity. I learn from you often.
Sahera Chohan
04 Apr 2014 3:21 pmThank you dear Tess xxx
Shalini Gautam
04 Apr 2014 11:26 amI love this post Auntie Sahera, so insightful and touching.
Missing you,
Shalini xx
Sahera Chohan
04 Apr 2014 11:27 amSweetheart thank you. I miss you too!! Sending you lots and lots of love xxx
John Mijac
04 Apr 2014 3:21 pmI love this piece. I hope all is well with you, my dear. I am in a wonderful state of late, thanks be.
Sahera Chohan
04 Apr 2014 3:23 pmDear John, thank you for loving it – it seems to be a very popular post. I am glad you are in a state of wonder 🙂
julie
05 Apr 2014 4:58 amSahera, Very insightful post. The answers are always inside us, and they will come when they’re meant to. Remember, we work to spirit’s schedule, not our own, and sometimes that’s what we need.
Jan Baker
05 Apr 2014 8:54 amDear Sahera – likewise I have been assaulted by life’s hit and run moments when I was left in the void of not knowing and with the persistent question of who am I? And I was very scared – how to function when you don’t even know who you are? But I now recognise that these were the bringers of precious opportunities to grow – to not be entrapped by the shell of identity – and they strengthened my faith by forcing me to step into the unknown. Lost and wandering one night I came across this notice in a shop window – “Faith is standing at the end of all light and stepping into the dark, knowing the ground will meet you or you’ll be taught to fly”
Sahera Chohan
06 Apr 2014 11:20 amI love that quote Jan! It’s so true of my experience so far. Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful comments on my Posts – it helps me too. xxx
cathy Rowlandson
05 Apr 2014 4:26 pmNever was a subject more relevant to me right now.
I am in the don’t know and know it’s ok even when it doesn’t feel like it, and it doesn’t, but I trust it.
thank you for your blog Sahera
Sahera Chohan
06 Apr 2014 11:05 amTrust is key Cathy. It will get you through x
Pam Barmy
06 Apr 2014 3:48 pmHow very honest and open Sahera, and how raw. Thank you. It’s
Such a timely blog for me and my family right now,
My husband has been accepted a job abroad but we can’t afford the schooling that our children both need. So we are torn between the opportunity and the leap of faith required and the reality check. The challenge for me is that I ‘get’ the value of ‘don’t know’ in my head, but not yet in my gut.
Sahera Chohan
06 Apr 2014 3:58 pmDear Pam, the journey from the head to the heart, or the gut as you say, takes time. I do trust you will make the right decision for you and your family. Someone once said to me that if you’re not quite ready to make a decision, do nothing. Stay in the space of don’t know and trust that Life will inform you if you stay open and keep asking…I wish you luck and love, Sahera
Pam Barmy
06 Apr 2014 10:24 pmThanks Sahera and much love. Px